My range of emotions
When Dan goes out of town I experience an interesting range of emotions. Thankfully Dan doesn’t go out of town often. In fact, it’s only about a once a year thing since recently. Earlier in our marriage, Dan was away even less than that. You can understand why I’m still not used to him traveling.
I’m ashamed to admit that most of the emotions that I feel when Dan is away are pretty negative. It’s nothing I’m proud of. But I’m human and far from perfect. I figure admitting my faults are at least one step towards working on over coming them.
So I think I’ll list all the emotions that I feel when Dan travels and I’ll explain a little why I think I feel that way.
- Worry. This is one of the first emotions that crops up as soon as Dan mentions that he’s going out of town. I seriously worry about it for weeks. What do I worry about? I worry that Dan will die and leave me a widow with five children. Irrational? Yes. But it’s what I do.
- Fear. This one goes along with worry. I’m afraid of Dan dying or in general, something awful happening to him and then not knowing how to handle it. I also feel a little afraid of being home during the night without Dan.
- Sadness. I was doing really well handling my sadness about Dan leaving up until the morning he had to go. I seriously had a panic attack. I kept telling myself in my mind, “I’ll be OK. I’ll be OK. I’ll be OK….Oh no, I’m not going to be OK” boo boo boo. Yep, that’s pretty much how Wednesday morning went for me. I was SO sad. I cried, Scott cried, Ezra cried because I was crying. It was a pretty tearful goodbye. And least for us three.
- Slight Calm. I say “slight” because I’m never completely calm when Dan’s away because the worry and fear are usually in the back of my mind somewhere. But if I keep myself busy enough, I don’t have time to think about those feelings too much. And when the kids are awake I’m usually so busy I don’t have time to feel too bad.
- Depression. I think all the negative feelings that I have while Dan is away sometimes pile up on me and just make me feel run down and depressed. Thankfully, I haven’t felt too depressed yet.
- Loneliness. I usually don’t have time to feel lonely during the day. But after the kids are tucked into bed, I’ve got plenty of time to feel really lonely. With 7 people in our family, our house is never very quiet and there’s always people around and that’s usually how I like it best. So when the kids are in bed and Dan isn’t around to keep me company, I usually feel pretty lonely.
- Annoyance. Dan’s having so much fun and isn’t worried about us one bit. Not that he doesn’t care about us, because he does. And I know he loves us very much. But he doesn’t worry and so he doesn’t waste any time thinking about us unless it’s time to give us a check in call. He probably isn’t missing us yet either. I know it’s silly, but here I am feeling worried and missing him and those feelings aren’t being reciprocated. It’s a guy thing I’m sure, but why do guys have to be so emotionless?!
- Anger. Yes, I admit it. Sometimes I feel angry that Dan is off having fun and I’m stuck here dealing with 5 children on my own 24 hours a day with no breaks ever and no one around to help me or keep me company. Grrr.
- Jealousy. People often ask me when I’m going to take my own trip away. I usually tell them that I’ll go away on a trip when I earn enough money and figure out somewhere to go. Believe it or not, I like to be with my family. I don’t really want to get away from them besides the breaks that I get in the evening. Maybe one day I’ll go away on a fun trip with some of my friends. But I honestly don’t see anything like that happening any time soon. Even if I did come up with enough money, Dan would have to take off work so that I could go. So I do feel a little jealous that it’s so much easier for Dan to get away and that he doesn’t feel guilty about it at all. Speaking of guilt…
- Guilt. I feel guilty for feeling angry, jealous, lonely, depressed, sad, etc. Men never feel guilty. Ever. Even when they should. It’s so unfair.
- Relief. I feel relief every time I read a post from Dan or when he calls. I’m reminded that he’s alive and well. And I’m especially relieved when he pulls into the driveway and I see for myself that he is safely home.
So there you have it. It’s not pretty, I know. I probably need a ton of therapy! I will say that there is a small part of me that feels glad that Dan is having fun with his friends and that he’s taking an opportunity to do something that is important to him. I love Dan very much and so his happiness brings me happiness too. And I know I should feel happy that Dan is happy. And I do…somewhere deep down I do. But those other emotions are so strong and so big that they often are the ones that I feel the strongest.
Update: I will point out that by the time Sunday rolls around that I’m sure I’ll miss Dan so much that there won’t be any room left for jealousy or angry. Now if only I could figure out a way to stop worrying so much, then I’ll be all set! I love you Dan and I appreciate the phone calls!











