Pix It Mommy!

When Dan goes out of town I experience an interesting range of emotions.  Thankfully Dan doesn’t go out of town often.  In fact, it’s only about a once a year thing since recently.  Earlier in our marriage, Dan was away even less than that.  You can understand why I’m still not used to him traveling.

I’m ashamed to admit that most of the emotions that I feel when Dan is away are pretty negative.  It’s nothing I’m proud of.  But I’m human and far from perfect.  I figure admitting my faults are at least one step towards working on over coming them.

So I think I’ll list all the emotions that I feel when Dan travels and I’ll explain a little why I think I feel that way.

• Worry.  This is one of the first emotions that crops up as soon as Dan mentions that he’s going out of town.  I seriously worry about it for weeks.   What do I worry about?  I worry that Dan will die and leave me a widow with five children.  Irrational?  Yes.  But it’s what I do.
• Fear.  This one goes along with worry.  I’m afraid of Dan dying or in general, something awful happening to him and then not knowing how to handle it.   I also feel a little afraid of being home during the night without Dan.
• Sadness.  I was doing really well handling my sadness about Dan leaving up until the morning he had to go.  I seriously had a panic attack.  I kept telling myself in my mind, “I’ll be OK. I’ll be OK.  I’ll be OK….Oh no, I’m not going to be OK”  boo boo boo.   Yep, that’s pretty much how Wednesday morning went for me.  I was SO sad.  I cried, Scott cried, Ezra cried because I was crying.  It was a pretty tearful goodbye.  And least for us three.
• Slight Calm.  I say “slight” because I’m never completely calm when Dan’s away because the worry and fear are usually in the back of my mind somewhere.  But if I keep myself busy enough, I don’t have time to think about those feelings too much.   And when the kids are awake I’m usually so busy I don’t have time to feel too bad.
• Depression.  I think all the negative feelings that I have while Dan is away sometimes pile up on me and just make me feel run down and depressed.  Thankfully, I haven’t felt too depressed yet.
• Loneliness.  I usually don’t have time to feel lonely during the day.  But after the kids are tucked into bed, I’ve got plenty of time to feel really lonely.  With 7 people in our family, our house is never very quiet and there’s always people around and that’s usually how I like it best.  So when the kids are in bed and Dan isn’t around to keep me company, I usually feel pretty lonely.
• Annoyance.  Dan’s having so much fun and isn’t worried about us one bit.  Not that he doesn’t care about us, because he does. And I know he loves us very much.  But he doesn’t worry and so he doesn’t waste any time thinking about us unless it’s time to give us a check in call.   He probably isn’t missing us yet either. I know it’s silly, but here I am feeling worried and missing him and those feelings aren’t being reciprocated.  It’s a guy thing I’m sure, but why do guys have to be so emotionless?!
• Anger.  Yes, I admit it.  Sometimes I feel angry that Dan is off having fun and I’m stuck here dealing with 5 children on my own 24 hours a day with no breaks ever and no one around to help me or keep me company.  Grrr.
• Jealousy.   People often ask me when I’m going to take my own trip away.  I usually tell them that I’ll go away on a trip when I earn enough money and figure out somewhere to go.  Believe it or not, I like to be with my family.  I don’t really want to get away from them besides the breaks that I get in the evening.  Maybe one day I’ll go away on a fun trip with some of my friends.  But I honestly don’t see anything like that happening any time soon.  Even if I did come up with enough money, Dan would have to take off work so that I could go.  So I do feel a little jealous that it’s so much easier for Dan to get away and that he doesn’t feel guilty about it at all.  Speaking of guilt…
• Guilt.  I feel guilty for feeling angry, jealous, lonely, depressed, sad, etc.   Men never feel guilty.  Ever. Even when they should.  It’s so unfair.
• Relief.  I feel relief every time I read a post from Dan or when he calls.  I’m reminded that he’s alive and well.  And I’m especially relieved when he pulls into the driveway and I see for myself that he is safely home.

So there you have it.  It’s not pretty, I know. I probably need a ton of therapy!  I will say that there is a small part of me that feels glad that Dan is having fun with his friends and that he’s taking an opportunity to do something that is important to him.  I love Dan very much and so his happiness brings me happiness too.  And I know I should feel happy that Dan is happy.  And I do…somewhere deep down I do.  But those other emotions are so strong and so big that they often are the ones that I feel the strongest.

Update:  I will point out that by the time Sunday rolls around that I’m sure I’ll miss Dan so much that there won’t be any room left for jealousy or angry.  Now if only I could figure out a way to stop worrying so much, then I’ll be all set!  I love you Dan and I appreciate the phone calls!

I just tucked all the kids into bed.  They survived day 1 with Dan away.  Now, the real question is will I survive the evening while Dan is away?  Hopefully the quiet, loneliness of the house won’t get to me this evening.

The day went quite well, as far as not feeling super sad about Dan being away.  It really helps for me to keep busy with the kids and that’s not hard to do!  :)  As I just mentioned, the hardest time of day for me is after the kids go to bed and I’m alone.  I’ve got lots of movies to keep me busy.  Only funny ones.  No sad ones!  And I’m sure I’ll be fine.  Hopefully this will get easier for me because I’m sure Dan won’t stop until he has every county in the US…and then who knows what crazy stunts he’ll want to pull next!

We love you Dan and miss you, but hope you’re having fun.  <3

Howdy there.

So I took the kids down to the Madisonville library today.  We’ve never been there before, even though it’s just down the street from my house, because the neighborhood is….a bit shady.  :)  The reason I went to that library instead of our usual library of choice (Madeira) is because Kennedy was meeting with a speech therapist there for an evaluation.  Kennedy is participating in the SPARK Ohio program which gets kids ready for kindergarten.  While Kennedy was off being evaluated, I kept the other kids in the children’s area of the library.

But wait, I’m getting ahead of myself.  When we first walked into the library, I noticed right away that there was a female security guard stationed in the library.  This is not surprising at all considering the neighborhood.  But what I didn’t expect was that this women also took it upon herself to be the library police.  She walked into the children’s area several times to tell everyone to keep it quiet.  The only people in the children’s area were me and my kids and another woman and her three children.  It isn’t hard to guess where most of the noise was coming from:  my kids.  I tried my best to keep them quiet, but I just had the most kids in there so of course mine sounded the loudest.  And Ezra wasn’t helping one bit.  But he’s only 21 months old.  He doesn’t know anything about whispering or not running indoors.  That kid runs everywhere and he can’t talk yet so his main form of communication is to point and make a loud noise.  I even gave him the “forbidden” pacifier to attempt to keep him quiet, but that didn’t stop him from running and laughing.  The library cop scowled at us often.  Now, I know this lady was just trying to keep the peace in the library.  But really, a toddler can only be controlled so much.  I couldn’t take him outside because it was pouring rain and the neighborhood is iffy!  But we had to stay there and wait for Kennedy to be done with her evaluation.

When Kennedy was done we went to the desk to check out our movies.  At this particular library we had to wait for a librarian to check out our materials for us because there were no self serve stations.  There was only one librarian and she was on the phone helping someone else.  So I had to wait.  Unfortunately, my kids were even less well behaved in the area next to the check out counter because there were no children’s books to look at there and we had to wait.  No kid likes to wait.  My kids weren’t being bad.  They were just being kids, exploring and laughing and in general being louder than adults are.   Thankfully the security guard didn’t say anything to me because I was pretty close to not being polite any more.  I wanted to get my loud kids out of there, but I had to wait on the librarian.  What could I do??

In the end we got our movies and didn’t cause any scenes.  Whew.   Just another fun day out with the kids.

Dan just left this morning for his EFNEC trip.  (That’s Every Freaking New England County.)  It was a very tearful goodbye.  We’ve been getting some playful ribbing from some friends about how sad we all are about Dan leaving for this trip.  These people, I think, are just more accustomed to having a spouse be away for work or what ever.  Dan is rarely away from us.  He comes home every night and is with us and that is what we are used to.  So when he’s away over night, it’s a huge deal to us.   Scott and I were particularly sad this morning to see Dan go.  Poor Dan.  It can’t be much fun to leave for a trip and have your family sobbing as you leave.  I tried so hard to be brave this morning.  But I seriously felt like I was having a panic attack.

Some might think I’m being a big baby.  Maybe if Dan traveled more often, then I’d get used to him being away.  But I’m thankful that he doesn’t travel much and that we’re all able to be together most of the time.  So I think I’d rather him not be away, than having him travel more just so I’ll be used to it.

When people hear about Dan’s counties trips that he goes on with his friends, I often get asked when is my turn to go away on a special trip.  Honestly I don’t know.  First off, I’d have to save enough money for a trip.  (Dan doesn’t use the family budget for his trips.  He uses extra money that he earns doing research studies.) And then, even if I got enough money together, I’d have figure out some place to go.   And honestly, I’d really rather just be with Dan anyway.   I suppose I could get some girl friends together for some grand adventure, but I really think I’d just miss my family too much.  Even though my kids often drive me crazy, I’m happiest when my family is together.   I think what I’d love most is to take a cruise with Dan or something.   Now if only we can find someone crazy enough to watch 5 kids for a week….

Yeah, I’ll keep dreaming!

Be safe Dan.  Have fun.  We love you.

The Groesbeck family has been working on making a family newsletter and there’s been a lot of talk about working on blogs and trying to keep in better contact with each other.  It had me thinking about my poor blog that has been dying a slow death ever since I joined Face Book.  Most of my family and friends are on Face Book so most everyone finds out about our family updates that way.  It’s much faster to upload pictures to FB than it is to my blog.  But FB is only snippets of our life.  I feel like I need to do better about getting back into blogging.

So here I am. The summer has flown by so fast, like it does every year.  Today I took the kids over to the elementary school to pick up their school packets.  They get to find out what class they’ll be in and now I’ve got tons of forms to fill out.  Yippee!  Everyone was  happy except for Kennedy.  She’s ready for kindergarten right now.  But she’ll have to wait another year.

This summer we’ve attended two family reunions, one for the Millers and one for the Groesbecks.  We spent a ton of time at the YMCA pool and the library. We also took a few trips to the Cincinnati zoo.  We’ve played outside and blown bubbles and played on the play ground.  Amy and Scott have both learned to ride their bikes this summer.   Scott also passed his swim test at the Y and is able to use the slide and diving board now.  Amy is nearly there too.  Her swimming methods are kind of interesting, but she can get from the diving board to the side pretty well.  :)  My children are growing up right before my eyes!

This year we also had our first square foot garden.  I would have to say that it was somewhat successful.  Our tomatoes and cucumbers seem to be doing well.  But most everything  else died.  We learned a lot about the needs of certain plants and I think we’ll be better prepared next year.  I think we’ll also need to relocate our garden for next year.  We have  a lot of old, tall trees in our yard.  We love the shade, but it’s not so great for a garden.

Dan is getting ready to head out on another counties trip.  This time he and his friends will be getting every county in New England.  He has been planning this trip for months and I know he’s super excited.  Our family is less than excited to have him away.  We’ve been very lucky because Dan rarely travels anywhere.  So we’re pretty accustomed to having him around.  It can be kind of rough on all of us to have him away.   But we know he’ll have a great time.

This is the last week of summer vacation for my kids and they’re trying to squeeze in as much fun as possible.  Personally, I’m so sick of going swimming.   Mostly it’s just hard because Ezra likes to play in the water for about 5 minutes then he wants to run around.  And he hates going in the big pool.  Meanwhile, all my other kids want to swim in the big pool but it’s hard for me to watch them while I’m next to the baby pool with Ezra.  It’s just a huge task for one parent to watch 5 kids at the pool.  Thankfully Amy and Scott can swim pretty well.  But Kennedy and Joel still need a lot of supervision and Ezra just runs around like nuts!  I’m pretty worn out by the end.  But the big kids love it so much that me and Ezra just have to put up with it for now.

I’m looking forward to the change in schedule when school starts, but I’m not looking forward to the homework.  That should be banned!  Joel will be doing soccer again this fall.  And Scott will do basketball.  Amy will keep doing piano lessons.   We should probably get Kennedy into a dance class or something.  I bet she’d love that.

Anyway, that’s about all from here.

OK, if the title of this post didn’t make you feel awkward enough, maybe talking about it more will.  :-)

Acne.  It’s not something that I really like to talk about, because let’s face it, it’s embarrassing.  Teenagers are supposed to have acne.  Not adults, right?  As it turns out, I’ve discovered that many adults suffer occasionally with acne.  I’m not one of those lucky adults who only had acne occasionally.  I had acne all the time.  It was a daily battle.  The only times in my adult life that I’ve ever been acne free were some brief times during my pregnancies.  I guess some how the hormones worked in my favor then.

A few weeks ago I was so frustrated with my acne that I decided to search around on the internet for some answers.   I did a search for adult acne.  Of course a lot of the big brand names popped up and I checked out a lot of different websites.  But one site I found really impressed me.  It’s at acne.org.

http://www.acne.org/

Most acne websites are just out to sell their own product.  And well acne.org does have it’s own products to sell.  But the thing that impressed me the most with this site is that it specifically told you how to cure your acne, using regular products that you can pick up at any store.  I didn’t have to buy their special products to try out “The Regimen” (Which is what they call their acne cure.)  I liked that a lot.  They didn’t string me a long promising  big results if I only used their special product.

I ended up going to the store and trying out the items that acne.org suggested.  Specifically large quantities of 2.5% benzoyl peroxide.  You can find that in most stores, but it’s not easy to get the quantity that you need at a decent price.  (Which is wear acne.org comes in.)

They even show you at this link http://www.acne.org/findingsupplies.php their products next to regular products that you can get in a store and how they compare.

I tried the regimen at home and then decided to go ahead and buy a large bottle of 2.5@ benzoyl peroxide from acne.org.  The regimen also suggests a gentle facial cleanser and a gentle facial moisturizer.  I decided to buy my own at a local store.  I use Clean and Clear Morning Burst detoxifying facial cleanser and Olay complete with SPF 15.

In less than a week my face was totally clear.  I’ve been using these products for more than two weeks now and I am thrilled with the results.  It did take a few days for the area around my neck to get used to the benzoyl peroxide, but that’s why acne.org suggests to start off slowly.  Since I’ve started using the regimen I’ve gotten only 2 or 3 zits, total.  But the thing is that as soon as I saw them starting, I just applied more of the benzoyl peroxide and they pretty much cleared up over night.

I know that I’m not the only adult who suffered with acne. And I felt like if this product gave me such great results then I really have to tell people about it.

I am so impressed with the results that I’ve gotten and if you too have acne problems then I highly suggest you check out acne.org.

http://www.acne.org/regimen.html

What would you tell your child if they asked to drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes?  Or what would you do if your child constantly asked to eat junk food?   You’d probably tell them no and you’d probably tell them those things aren’t healthy for their bodies.

But what would you do if your child just wanted to eat all the time.  Healthy foods, unhealthy foods, whatever.   What do you do when your child asks for seconds, thirds or fourths if the meal is healthy?  Believe me, it gets harder and harder to know when to say no.

Most of you know that my daughter Amy has mild autism.  Amy is also a little overweight.  As long as I can remember, Amy has always liked to eat.  I mean, who doesn’t?!  But most of us stop ourselves eventually.  We get full.  Or we understand that while eating an entire container of ice cream might taste good we would get sick, so we don’t do that.  Well Amy doesn’t understand this.  If something tastes good, she wants more.  And if left to her own devices, she would continue to eat until she get physically sick.  Thankfully that has only happened once or twice that I can recall.  Dan and I try to stop her before she eats too much.  But since I am not Amy, how am I supposed to tell when she’s had enough to eat?  She’s already a little overweight so we should probably reduce her portions a little anyway.  She can already eat more than I can at any meal.  But she’s also growing too.  This is where it gets very hard for me to know what to do.

I personally believe that when kids are overweight, the parents are at fault.  The parents are the ones who buy food and bring it into the house.  And parents are the ones who set the rules (Or don’t make any rules.) about when and how much to eat and they set the example.   I used to think that babies and toddlers would stop eating when they were full.  But I don’t think that’s true any more.  I’ve seen my babies drink milk until they were stuffed and then they would vomit it up.  (I thought they were still hungry!) I’ve seen my toddlers beg for more food even when their little tummies are obviously bulging.  Kids often don’t know when to stop themselves.  And parents often overfeed their kids.  I know I’m at fault of doing that.  It is very hard to tell your child that they can’t have more food when they are crying for more and insisting that they’re hungry.  It’s especially hard to say no when the food they want is healthy.  Too many calories are too many calories, even if it’s all healthy food.

Food has always been a battle around our house.  I’ve got some children with Sensory processing disorder which makes trying new foods really challenging.  Just imagine how fun dinner would be at your house if encouraging your child to try a new foods ended in them vomiting at the table.  We’ve so been there.  And I personally don’t want to get into arguments about food at dinner.  I believe in setting a good example as parents and offering lots of healthy options at dinner time.  But I’m not into forcing a kid to eat something.   We’ve tried that on and off for a long time and that almost always ends very badly.  And I don’t want my children to have a negative association with certain foods or with meal time in general.  So it really stinks to have to be the bad guy and tell my child that they can’t have any more food to eat.  I’m not my child.  I don’t REALLY know how they are feeling and whether or not they truly are still hungry.  How much food is enough?  I know it’s better to eat until you are no longer hungry instead of eating until you are full.  I just hate having to make the judgement call for my child.  I wish I knew how to teach each of them to listen to their own bodies and eat only when they are really hungry.  I wish I could trust them to eat until they were no longer hungry.  I guess we’ve all been guilty of over indulging sometimes.  I just want my kids to make responsible food choices.

Then again, I want my children to be able to make responsible choices in all areas of their lives.  I guess this is just part of the roller coaster ride that is parenting.

I thought I’d try out the video option on our new camera.  Here’s a little clip of Ezra playing:

Ezra playing in the basement

A few weeks ago, Dan and I built and planted our first square foot garden.  (Please go to the link for more details of what that is.)  In past years we’ve had tomatoes in pots and were very successful.  But this year is our first real attempt at an actual garden.

Things were going along pretty well until a few days ago when we noticed that an animal ate the tops off 7 of our cucumber plants.  Thankfully we have A LOT of cucumber plants.  And I’m hoping that some of the ones that got ate up will grow back some.  I don’t have much experience in that department.  When we grew tomatoes in pots, we never had any animal trouble.  We seems to have a wider range of animal life here at our new house.  I have seen with my own eyes that we have squirrels, birds, rabbits, chipmunks, moles, raccoons and deer in our yard.  I guess there could be more animals lurking that I haven’t even seen  yet.

To help with our animal problem, Dan and I built a cage around our garden.  We had been meaning to do that sooner, but the animal nibbling at our garden prodded us into action.

So here’s what we have planted in this garden:

Big Boy tomatoes, cilantro, strawberries, cucumber, red peppers, cantaloupe, watermelon, cauliflower, broccoli, and Roma tomatoes.  Like I said before, we’ve been very successful with growing tomatoes in the past, but all these other fruits and vegetables are out of my realm of knowledge.  We’re just learning as we go and hoping for a decent crop.

And now for the pictures!

Above is the black weed cover to help keep with weeds from growing up through the garden.

Here’s all the various dirt mixes to make the proper soil for a square foot garden.

Mixing up all the dirt.  Amy helping with a stick.  :)  And Ezra watching.

Dan dumping the dirt into the empty garden frame.

The garden after I squared it off with twine.

Here’s how the garden looked right after I planted everything.

I took this picture of the garden today.  As you can see our plants are getting bigger.  We put up this fence two days ago.  Our tomatoes are in cages which you might be able to see through the fence.  We felt like the fence was necessary to keep out the animals, but it was hard to decide which style of fence to make.  This one was easy to put together, but it might be annoying to have to peal back the fence every time we want to harvest something.  Again, it’s just something we’ll have to learn as we go.  Maybe next year we’ll have a better idea.

We’re all very excited about our garden this year.   I’ll keep taking pictures and give updates on the progress of our garden as the summer unfolds.